don’t hide the madness

These books in this bag have distilled the pain and hope that hold me in this moment.

Love fills me as I hold my books in handled cloth; love that pours these words out of me.

It’s 9.41 on Monday morning. I thought I’d knock out a quick post. As per usual it pertains to how I’m feeeeeeling!

Me and my friend agreed a few days ago that today we would meet to go for a swim. Me and the lady I’m courting also planned to meet today before she has band practice at 5pm. Sweet – I usually swim with my friend quite early, leaving plenty of time to court. Such were my cloudily formed semi-conscious plans, anyway.

The spanner manifested in the works when I got a response to my text from swim friend saying they’d like to meet at 1pm. Fuck sake, with a 1 hour swim & chat, that leaves only 3 hours of courting before band practice. And I said to my lady friend I’d see her at midday.

Scuppered were my perfectly conceived plans! I curled up into a ball on my bed and started shaking. I felt visceral anger emanating from my solar plexus and groin and surging through my torso, limbs and throat. But why?

I posed this question to the anger and pain and shortly thereafter a response arose: ‘They don’t understand me. Nobody understands me. That’s why I’m angry at everyone’.

Ahhhhhh. Que interestante. This thought has vaguely floated through my consciousness before and been scribbled on a scrap. And here it is again – a wolf from the dark, swirling forest – previously glimpsed in the corner of my eye but this time trapped in full view.

I feel like everybody should implicitly understand me, without me communicating my needs. I am furious at my friend for a reasonable text, because I feel repulsed at feeling misunderstood. I am sure this relates to how I feel I don’t understand myself. I am also sure it relates to my self-loathing.

But anyway, I have a list of jobs to do today, one of which was not ‘write a blog post about why you resent everyone’. So, enough!

But, a parting word. What will I do about this new found wolf? I dunno man. I think I’ll just keep being angry at everyone until they understand me xD

A collection of notes I wrote whilst working at Mr Ragamuffins, from about April-the beginning of July. I tore out pages from the work notebook, folded them into quarters to fit into my back pocket and wrote the thoughts that came to my head. I have been keeping all the folded notes in a drawer where I am living. Now I am moving into my car I have written them up digitally so I don’t have to carry them around with me.

• I’ve worked out what makes me feel like a fuckin’ child. It’s this: crucifying what I desire to be – in order to be acceptable for other people. It’s gay and I hate it
• There is fear of allowing feelings – that is all
• I have a strong sense I should be feeling a particular way -> this then suppresses other planes of consciousness because they don’t fit
• I put lots of expectations (childish) on people & am constantly disappointed – like when I feel people aren’t 100% listening
• Almost back to being a child authentically to build up as an authentic James <3 Like Benj Butt – ‘done’ being a teenager now childhood + probs without parents
• The universe is rewarding me for my honesty by showing me who I really am – warts n all
• It’s the feeling that I can achieve what I want to which isn’t necessarily preceded by doing something, but can be found by releasing shame
• Feels like human connections were systematically crushed during childhood – like Adam & Anthony – trained not to expect to feel a filial spirit – but that is exactly what is felt – like in 1984 the subversion of what naturally arises – then anxiety is the distance the mind created between the believed thoughts and the felt feelings deep inside <3
• Been realising recently that every interaction is a battle for supremacy where there is always a winner & a loser – being perceived as attractive is part of this – as were my conquests/ are my conquests ‘I have clearly vanquished someone’
• My natural reaction is to subjugate my desire to subjugate – but I feel like this ‘level’ it’s the right thing to get what I want & see what happens when I try to get what I want. Until now I’ve not clasped the handle of the sword for fear of being judged as wrong for doing so
• I want to feel what it’s like to be the person who overcomes fear of judgement & gets what they want and acts how they feel. Rather than choosing not to cause any fuss by bowing my head before all I come across
• I have an inner Dad judging every movement – like the Sting song -> Unconsciously reacting to this is what has borne the consciousness of being a child -> In order to become a man, I can’t be unconsciously reacting any more
• Oh Daddy/ Your words are always with me/ Your eyes are always watching and breath that’s breathed too close/ Oh Daddy/ You’ll always be inside me/ But I have to go my own way
• Shame -> ‘control’/ suppress -> anger Vs recognise the above -> shame trying to go to control -> cry
• Allow… allow… follow what comes up – even when ‘rationality’ is screaming no! rationality = shame possibly
• Then it comes back to always trust what comes up
• Fear comes when there is lots of shame prez – perhaps ‘what will happen if I allow it?’
• It’s trust that I will ‘survive’ whatever I am feeling
• Fear of women = feeling sexual energy is bad + fear of feeling that. Not currently feeling it + holding it
• Social anxiety = not being able to hold self-hatred & reacting to it
• How can I love everyone? By getting to a place where I can hold my emotions
• Part of it is admitting that I am in such pain to myself. Then sublimating myself like Jesus on the cross by feeling it
• My immediate reaction is to lambast Gaby – but this is a reaction to shame. In reality she is taking a firm stance which is a beautiful thing
• Feel like a bad person (shame) for following individual soul -> going versus dad -> want to cry
• This big ball is ‘I’m sorry dad’ which arises when I go against his wishes
• Apparently some complexes need to be acted upon in the real world as well as allowed up & felt – something that I am learning from Jung
• I feel a bit like the crucio spider in Harry Potter & all I want to do is ask for help but I am trying the bearing the brunt on my own shoulders so I can learn how to handle looking after myself so I can start to look after other people – this feels good to write
• I am going back to the ultimate basics – no responsibility – so I can build myself up from zero – with secure foundations in place. No more relying on others for a comfortable existence. Responsibility for me and me only. Make money for myself – don’t take a wage.
• I don’t know who I am when not in the confines of ‘badness’
• Everything is as interesting as being in the jungle
• Child: to feel adult – need to accept adult things. Embodying child mind abdicates me. Also when I feel ‘bad’ for something – slip back in – hide!
• It’s a fear of impending doom + a fear of change – goes away once realised… kinda don’t want the fear to go – it’s exciting… but now onto the next fear…
• Never a big thing about to happen – only now. This is what disappointed me
• Maybe I’m a bad person if I’m not suffering
• If I relax it will all go terribly wrong
• Terrified of feeling ‘bad’ lots stems from this aversion – whole life – all tension in sol plex
• My thinking mind kicks in every time: ‘Moss is just my friend’ so I don’t have to feel ambiguity & potentially pain
• I’ve shown I can go quite deep & make ‘progress’ inwards – can I do the same outwards? Time to find out!
• ‘For many men there is so much grief’
• My fear is that I won’t be able to handle it – a fear of impotence – but I can handle – I am strong enough. I was onto something
• Self-hatred arises and reasons follow – get caught in the reasons rather than the sensation