It’s 9.41 on Monday morning. I thought I’d knock out a quick post. As per usual it pertains to how I’m feeeeeeling!
Me and my friend agreed a few days ago that today we would meet to go for a swim. Me and the lady I’m courting also planned to meet today before she has band practice at 5pm. Sweet – I usually swim with my friend quite early, leaving plenty of time to court. Such were my cloudily formed semi-conscious plans, anyway.
The spanner manifested in the works when I got a response to my text from swim friend saying they’d like to meet at 1pm. Fuck sake, with a 1 hour swim & chat, that leaves only 3 hours of courting before band practice. And I said to my lady friend I’d see her at midday.
Scuppered were my perfectly conceived plans! I curled up into a ball on my bed and started shaking. I felt visceral anger emanating from my solar plexus and groin and surging through my torso, limbs and throat. But why?
I posed this question to the anger and pain and shortly thereafter a response arose: ‘They don’t understand me. Nobody understands me. That’s why I’m angry at everyone’.
Ahhhhhh. Que interestante. This thought has vaguely floated through my consciousness before and been scribbled on a scrap. And here it is again – a wolf from the dark, swirling forest – previously glimpsed in the corner of my eye but this time trapped in full view.
I feel like everybody should implicitly understand me, without me communicating my needs. I am furious at my friend for a reasonable text, because I feel repulsed at feeling misunderstood. I am sure this relates to how I feel I don’t understand myself. I am also sure it relates to my self-loathing.
But anyway, I have a list of jobs to do today, one of which was not ‘write a blog post about why you resent everyone’. So, enough!
But, a parting word. What will I do about this new found wolf? I dunno man. I think I’ll just keep being angry at everyone until they understand me xD